That Melania Speech In Full

“Gooood eveneving Cleethorpes!

As an African American woman people often ask me, ‘Melania, what first attracted you to Dr Martin Luther Trump Jnr?’ And you know what I say? I say I just fell in love with his voice. He said to me ‘I have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream, I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except of course Mexicans.’

And like me he came up the hard way, it’s a wonder we made it, but only in America eh? Donald and I were raised in hard time Mississippi. Surrounded by four walls that ain’t so pretty. Our parents gave us love and affection. To keep us strong, moving in the right direction. Living just enough, just enough for the city.

Sure we’ve had our regrets, but then again, too few to mention, we did what we had to do, and saw it through without exemption. We’ve had tough times, he said to me just the other day, while threatening me with a comb, ‘No woman No cry’ but only after I’d joked that we were ‘Gonna chase them crazy bald heads outa town’.

My speech writers told me to say that Donald has impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life, and that your word is your bond, but, then Donald said that if you can’t be bothered then copying and pasting is acceptable.

Tonight I want to endorse my husband for President of the United States! He is smart. Street smart and understands better than anyone the creeping surveillance state threatening all our freedoms. On the way to the Convention centre tonight we stopped off at T.J. Maxx to get some new shoes and in the mall there was a map with a sign saying ‘You are here’. ‘How do they know?” he asked.

You see? Donald asks the right questions. The other day he was at a tea party and someone asked how his Presidency would help the country and he said; ‘My fellow tea drinker, ask not what I can do for the country, ask what the presidency can do for me’.

As he was telling CNN the other day, he holds those truths to be self-evident, and that when he makes it to the White House it will be one small step for mankind but one giant step for his kind.

Donald has been working on his convention speech, and although he’s sworn me to secretary I really must just share with you a bit his writers slipped in for the closing passage –

“All TV’s a stage, and all the audience merely voters. They have their exits and their entrances; but this man in his time intends to play at being President”.

My name’s Melania O’Trump, thank you Michelle.  Goodnight!

 

(As leaked to Tim Marshall)