Vision of a Not-So-Distant Future

I had a dream, which was not all a dream…

The new British ambassador to the United States celebrated herarrival in Washington, this Saturday, by streaming the Kardashian-only eventlive to Instagram. It also marked the elevation of social media influencer,Hoopie van Axminster, to the most cherished role in the British civil service. Speakingto Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop News, the Ambassador said: “This is, like, so Bieber itmade me want to swipe up and post it on the ’gram!”

The ambassador is the first in history to be handpicked by theAmerican president, her appointment confirmed by new British Prime MinisterBoris Johnson, with both men agreeing that the arrival of the six-foot one-inch,blonde-haired former lingerie model marked a different chapter in the now one-sidedrelationship between the two countries. “I originally suggested that Ivanka wasperfect for the role but then those American-hating socialists known as ‘theBritish’ complained,” tweeted Donald Trump. “And, as you know, we do have tokeep our colonies happy!”

Johnson, meanwhile, was heard yelling through a wall at one-thirtyin the morning: “I think she’ll do a splendid job! Harpsicords. Jelly. Umlauts.”

The appointment was also noted by former leadershipcandidate, Jeremy Hunt, who started his new job as Minister for H.M. Stationeryby commenting from his office in the Orkney Islands. “The darkest day in theadministration of government since the invention of the non-standard Vaaler paperclipin 1901,” he said over a crackling Skype.

Meanwhile, attempts to block the appointment continue in therecently prorogued parliament which has been meeting in Dulwich’s Gala Disco StarlightFun Lounge from where John Bercow oversees affairs from his Speaker’s Chair/DJbooth. Even though his new single, ‘Chuntering from a sedentary position’,entered the UK Trance Charts at number 3 this week, he was still able to leadcalls for the government to appoint a career civil servant. Others offered moreproactive solutions. New leader of the Liberal Democrats, Kenneth Clarke,backed calls for an early lunch (“the more liquid the better”), whilst the MPfor Penrith and The Border, Rory Stewart, tapped the side of his nose and promisedto walk “somewhere” and speak to “somebody”.

This comes as the Johnson government continues to preparefor a No Deal Brexit with a raft of proposals up to and including rafts in caseit all goes wrong. Plans are already advanced for a zipwire to France, a newfleet of bendy cross-Channel ferries, and a new constitution composed entirelyin Homeric Greek. Northern Ireland’s new Soft Hard Border is already in developmentwith the help of Joanna Lumley, who has promised that advanced shrubberytechniques will provide the technological solution needed in this ongoing crisis.“Darlings, the dastardly smuggling of goods across the border will stop oncethey note the simply divine scent of the sweet violets planted around theminefield”, she gushed (annoyingly) before the Select Committee last month.

In other news, Jeremy Corbyn announced the newest investigationinto anti-Semitism inside the Labour Party’s commission to root outanti-Semitism within the anti-Semitism watchdog set up to identityanti-Semitism inside the party. Said a spokesperson: “We’re committed to rootingout anti-Semitism from wherever we find it in the Labour movement, even if thatmeans holding the Jews responsible.” The spokesperson was subsequently expelledfrom the party but immediately reinstated when she was cleared of all chargesof anti-Semitism.

@DavidWaywell